Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly "perfect" in my current configuration. But this "resolution" thing is taking it too far, in my opinion.
Every year we muddle along, putting on weight, ignoring our dental issues, letting household improvements slide, telling ourselves that THIS will be the fresh start we need to finally drop the pounds, clean out the garage, fix the roof, repaint the bedrooms, caulk the tubs, etc. etc. etc. and in the end, we punish ourselves for a week or two in early January, then revert to whatever got us into such sorry shape to begin with.
My resolution this year is to make no bullshit resolutions. My lovely (and dangerous) wife, on the other hand, has already started carrying through on her threats to impose a new diet plan for the two of us. I call her "cleansing" proposals a diet of brush and potpourri... and I've been subjected to this shit in the past. It's not nearly as horrible as I pretend it is, but if I don't act sufficiently miserable she'll just keep ratcheting up the levels of bland roughage until we're actually surviving on twigs and sunflower hulls.
I prefer to make resolutions I can keep. For instance, I'm perfectly willing to give up Brussel sprouts, boiled okra, gin, and going to church. I already hate all of those things. See how easy this is?
I can give up peanut brittle, coconut, wild women, and day trading, too. Being a married man who never eats peanut brittle or coconut, who already HAS a wild woman, and who doesn't know a damn thing about the stock market helps with this series of sacrifices I'm willing to make.
But for Christ's sake, baby, don't tell me we can't have cheese, or hamburgers, or baked potatoes with butter, or cold beer! Don't hide the sausage-cheese balls, or put the fudge in the freezer labeled as "asparagus". Surely we can compromise!
Compromise... what a concept. I read in the morning paper where Congressional leaders and our President are trying to pound out some kind of agreement to avoid a brush and potpourri diet of sequestration cuts and taxes... and I'm willing to bet those assholes have a better chance at reaching a happy medium than we do here at Chateau Squatlo.
If you come over to visit, please bring beer and something totally decadent to eat.
I'd do it for you...