To the Poobahs of the NFL,
I'm going to confess right up front that I'm one of your fans who actually prefers college football. By a long shot, and for a multitude of reasons. But having confessed my lack of devotion to your version of America's favorite pastime, I'd like to offer a few points you might consider if you'd like to see more fans like me come over to your game.
First of all, encourage kickoff returns instead of using the kickoff as an excuse to squeeze in a few extra Bud Lite commercials. Back in the summer you clowns decided that kickoffs were causing a disproportionate number of injuries, so you voted to move the kicking tee from the 30 yard line to the 35 yard line. Now instead of watching one of the most exciting aspects of football, the open field running/blocking/tackling of incredible athletes moving at unbelievable speeds, fans of your game get to watch the weakest player on each team take turns bashing the ball through the end zone, followed by a series of mind-numbingly stupid commercials. College football games don't go to commercial following kickoffs, because they've just come back from commercials and they don't see the point in boring fans at the games or viewers at home.
Put yourselves in the stands with your fans. Literally. Go take a seat in the upper deck of a stadium in mid November, when the snow is swirling in bitter winds and your ass is almost frozen to the aluminum. Sit and look at the shivering people around you after a kicker nails a forty yard field goal as they wait for the officials on the field to get the "all clear" signal from the booth that the network television commercials have finally concluded and the game can resume. Then watch those same fans continue to shiver for another five minutes after the same little guy boots the ensuing kickoff through the end zone, which is followed yet another series of idiotic commercials. The fans at your games can't even see the stupid commercials they're required to sit through, adding to their boredom and frustration. Moving the kickoff spot from the 30 to the 35 was the single most ignorant and fan-frustrating rule change in NFL history. You couldn't make the game duller without eliminating the forward pass... and considering the rule changes you're making to define a legal hit by a defensive back these days, that's probably in the works, too.
In the old days, defensive players were taught to knock the piss out of a receiver or running back in order to dislodge the football. If the player with the ball wasn't looking? Even better. Now, defensive backs can't lead with their shoulder pads or helmets, can't strike a "defenseless player", and defensive linemen are routinely flagged (and fined by the league) for having the temerity to touch a quarterback after he's released the football. They aren't allowed to hit the QB at or below the knees, or touch his precious head, even with a glancing blow that wouldn't disturb a fruit fly from a dog turd.
In short, you're pussifying a great game and turning it into something akin to contact tennis. Watch these prima donna running backs, receivers, and quarterbacks tippy-toe down the sidelines in any given game, waiting for the exact instant when stepping out of bounds will draw an additional fifteen yard personal foul penalty from a guy who can't possibly avoid contact after chasing the man for fifty yards across the field. Think you're making football fans happy with that idiotic rule? Once again, it's football, you assholes, not tennis. If a mother fucker doesn't want his bell rung, he'll get his happy ass out of bounds sooner. Duh... Think Walter Payton stayed in bounds for unnecessary abuse when he could just as easily avoid a concussion by going behind coach Ditka? Nope... "Sweetness" knew when to get out of bounds, and he played a long time and had a great career because of that intelligence.
Another thing, while you're up... Have someone in your league office notify CBS and Fox Sports that the typical fan isn't inspired, entertained, or amused by the thunderous sound of music being blared at them during player introductions, commercial lead-ins, or at every lull in the conversation by the game announcers. Fox Sports NFL coverage sounds more like the soundtrack to a bad gladiator movie than to a football game. And these computer generated Transformer Fighting-Bot characters dancing on the side of the screen have nothing whatsoever to do with football and make the game look like something aimed at ten year olds with ADD.
Drop some of the fucking graphics, too. I don't need to see updates on every league game, baseball score, tennis match, or dog race scrolling across the bottom of the screen like late-breaking urgent news. Half the time a fan watching the game on television can't see 50% of his 52" diagonal flat screen because it's cluttered up with needless information from other games across the nation. We tune in to watch the game we're trying to watch, and if we wanted to know what Cleveland and Baltimore were doing we'd buy the NFL package and watch that fucking game.
You've got lines on the screen denoting first down yardage, another graphic for the down and distance, a ticking game clock next to a ticking play clock, and at the bottom of the screen you're keeping us abreast of everything except the Westminster Kennel Club's Best in Breed competition. Give it a fucking rest and let us watch the goddam game we're trying to watch!
Here's one last "suggestion" you can ignore: Either do away with official reviews of disputed calls, or speed up the process to about ten seconds of deliberation. Glance at the replay once or twice, make a call. No more of this shit where the lead official trots over to Ansel Adams' hooded camera tripod to watch a thousand different replays of the same dropped pass... then trots back to the center of the field to announce that the call made ten minutes ago was indeed the correct judgment. Football used to include bad calls by incompetent referees, and the fans in the stands knew that was part of the game. Blind, prejudiced, bribed officials made lousy calls at critical moments of critical games, and we just had to deal with it. Now, a "disputed call" might be something as insignificant as a six inch difference in the placement of the football after forward progress has been stopped, or something as monumental as whether or not a receiver got both feet down before being knocked across the bench and through the cheerleaders.
Which brings me to the cheerleaders... If teams are going to hire strippers and pole dancers for their sideline entertainment, you should at least let them strip and pole dance instead of insisting that they wave pompoms and act like anyone anywhere gives a fuck about their "cheers".
I've been to NFL games. No one "cheers" with the cheerleaders, like in high school or college football. They're too busy drooling and staring at the navels gyrating and grinding away behind the benches. Let 'em strip, mount poles in the turf, hold halftime competitions between the teams' strippers, and make it something everyone can agree is lewd and lascivious, instead of just pretending it's wholesome and encourages team spirit. Whatever that is.
There. Fix it. You have until next Sunday. No more touchbacks. Move the ball back to the 30 for kickoffs, and award a point to the kicking team if the other guys don't bring it out of the endzone. Put the strippers in transparent wet clothes, rain or shine, or do away with them altogether. Drop the thunderous gladiator music and 90% of the graphic arts from the telecast, and tell your game announcers it's okay to shut the fuck up once in a while. No one will change channels if they don't keep talking like politicians on crack.
Disgruntled fans everywhere
